Let’s get this over with

I hope you have all enjoyed my month's holiday as much as I have. Just joking! Of course, I don't take holidays. Ever. In fact, I've been hard at work parlaying my modest investments into some serious capital, so I cd spin this thriving internet concern into one those hateful yet lucrative insta-bookoids that clog up the shelves by the cash registers at Dymocks. The perfect gift for an infrequently-visited relative or workmate you have no real connection with. A show on Foxtel, too, was not out of the question.

Unfortunately, I had a "misunderstanding" with my "business partners" over some supposedly "misappropriated" funds in "brown paper bags" and a "racehorse". Like any bold, forward-looking Australian entrepreneur I have fled the country and moved to London. To be precise, a cosy and modestly-priced bunker in the small, sleepy suburb of Robson Green, NW2.

Within these walls my empire shall rise from the ashes.

Bookworms: the Penguin on my night-table is Milne's Mr Pim Passes By. The bookmark is a small, creased photograph of Julie Dawn Kemp.